It was almost two years after finishing treatment before I had any orexi (polite Greek word for could be arsed) to try dating again. My first date was with a university professor called *Henry. He was a bit older, super smart and funny, but when we sat down to grab dinner at one of my favourite Mexican spots and he said he ‘wasn’t into’ vegetables I knew I wanted to take my taco and go.
After *Henry I jumped back online and matched with a podcaster I had great online chemistry with. The banter was consistent and funny, so after a couple of weeks of digital dating we agreed to have a drink. Let’s say we were meeting on a Thursday and it was now Wednesday. It was a beautiful hot day, and I should have known better than to make decisions influenced by the outside temperature. I messaged him and said I was free and did he want to meet that night instead. He said ‘I’d love to, but I’m a bit short on cash’. I should have shut it down in the very next message but I’d lost 400 grams by going to the gym for three hours a day over the last two years, and was feeling deceptively positive. I said, ‘don’t worry, I’m happy to shout you a drink’. Fast forward to three drinks in (all sponsored by me) and two hours of being talked at during which he’d look up at me like a five year old after guzzling each beer and ask ‘is it ok if I have another’. I was more than done by that point, my buzz and patience had worn off and I was ready to retreat the comfort of my couch. We headed outside and I started reciting my closing speech. ‘I thought we were going to your place, and plus the trams have stopped running so I can’t get home’. Without flinching I said ‘I’ll book you an uber’. I opened the app and gave him my phone to type in his address. I took my phone back, said goodnight and headed home. After closing the door behind me I threw off my shoes, sat on the couch, opened the Uber app and watched him safely drive away from me…all the way to St Kilda. He’d stupidly typed in his exact address, and I thought for weeks about sending him an invoice for $55 for his three beers and an Uber.
*no names have been changed in order to protect other women.
Jumbled Genius 